Writing and Healing: Staying Safe in a Room Full of Elephants

by Sharon Lippincott on April 24, 2011

Writing and Healing LogoPost #13 – Women’s Memoirs, Writing and Healing – Kendra Bonnett and Matilda Butler



Memoir Writers and Journalers Need to Stay Safe in a Room Full of Elephants

Sharon Lippincott

Elephants in Chobe Nat'l Park, Botswana“How can you tell when there’s an elephant in the room?”

“You can smell the peanuts on his breath.”

This simple joke derives much of its power from the fact that we’ve all been in rooms with phantom elephants at one time or another. The humor in the joke is that someone breaks the taboo and speaks of it. In real life we hesitate to mention them for fear of being gored or trampled. We don’t talk about them in the moment, and we certainly don’t talk about them to outsiders, most especially not in writing!

We fear them for good reason. My friend Heather Uber was killed by an elephant eight years ago — in spite of taking all due precaution while visiting a Cameroon wildlife park. Heather’s experience was literal. She died quickly, with only enough time for a few parting reassurances and good-byes to her husband and Peace Corps volunteer daughter. Those gored by a phantom elephant may die a lingering virtual death as they face lingering hostility, ostracism, and resentments.

So how do we handle these phantom elephants? How do we stay safe without being tyrannized? The good news is that we can free ourselves from their oppression, but we must know the elephant. Through the eyes of researchers, elephants are generally docile, and most attacks involve perceived risk to a calf or a male in “must” who is ready to breed. British researchers Karen McComb and Graeme Shannon recently discovered that herds rely on the wisdom of elder females for guidance in responding to danger. These matriarchs use their legendary memory stores of sounds and relationships to assess auditory and visual cues for threat levels. On the flip side, elephants, especially female ones, are phenomenal social networkers and collaborators, and across time and cultures, they have been viewed as symbols of wisdom, loyalty, strength, power, and good luck.

Thus it hardly seems a coincidence that elephants have come to symbolize topics families fear disclosing. We are loyal to one another, and cluster around to protect our vulnerable members. We resist incursions from the outside and protect our territory, and now and then we even listen to family matriarchs. Thus it’s no surprise that phantom elephants may do little more than thump you with their trunk for mentioning a sensitive topic within the room, but if you write openly about it, you may be sent sailing or crushed underfoot.

Elephants are as important in our social ecology as the physical one, and they deserve our respect for the functions they fill as well as their potential to harm. Our challenge as we make decisions about dealing with phantom elephants is to assess their role, their threat level, and our relationship to them.

Just as the safest way to approach them in the wild is from the protection of a safari vehicle driven by a seasoned guide, the safest way to approach phantoms is on the pages of your journal. Write about your observations and feelings. Explore the pros and cons of various options. How important is it to air your frustrations publicly, or even within the group? Are you likely to gain more than you lose? Are you acting from self-defense or revenge? Are you likely to knock down a load-bearing wall in the family architecture, or will enlarging a window let in helpful light? Are others at physical or emotional risk? These are only some of the questions to explore — you’ll find others as you go, and learn more about the elephant as you write.

Writing about these elephants is a powerful source of healing. You may find that writing privately is enough to bring the freedom and relief you seek. If you do decide to share your writing with others, preliminary private writing paves the way by focusing your message and insight while clearing your resentments, thus allowing you to proceed with purpose, clarity and compassion. And perhaps with the collaboration and support of others in your home herd.

Photo credit: Sharon Lippincott




You might also be interested in these other posts by Sharon Lippincott:

Writing and Healing: Writing with Feeling Feels Good

Writing is Good for Your Health: 3 Tips for Memoir Writers and Journalers








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