Post #16 – Women’s Memoirs, Writing and Healing – Kendra Bonnett and Matilda Butler
WRITING AND HEALING
Memoir Writers and Journalers Can Write Through Fear
I opened the front door and headed down our long tree-lined drive, hoping for a better idea of how wide-spread the midnight power outage was—the limited view from the house resembled an ink well. The unaccustomed darkness felt menacing, but clouds made luminous by distant urban light helped me keep my bearings. Fierce wind howled in bending trees, eerie pearly mist suffused the air, and pale orange lightning glow bounced around the horizon. When I reached the street, I felt a strong urge to run back to the house. The late night scene felt utterly sinister. Though no creature was in sight, I sensed danger lurking everywhere, in the very air.
This is crazy, I thought, forcing myself to scurry across the road before some lunatic came roaring down it. I’m losing it. I’d hear a car coming for half a mile and see headlights before it rounded the bend. I’d have plenty of time to run and hide. With a deep breath, I stepped into the road. Once across, seeing only a single light on a hilltop a mile across the valley, I gave into the terror and fled back to the house.
“It’s freakin’ scary out there!” I yelped, slamming the door and locking it tight. “Can you hear my heart pounding?” I asked my husband. He couldn’t.
Even our ancient Princess phone was dead.
After a candlelight snack, we hit the sack, only to be awakened by a reassuring flood of light and color three hours later. All was well. The world was back as it should be, and by morning the phone was working again.
We all experience moments of terror sooner or later, hopefully not often. Not all occur in physical darkness, nor are they confined to the night or stormy weather. To say they are stressful is an understatement, and the after-effects linger in the darkness of memory, perhaps forever.
That howling darkness terrified me. It was due to more than just the forces of nature, but I couldn’t identify what else was going on. All I know is that those dark forces were there, and I felt powerless to confront them.
Journaling to the Rescue, A Tool for Writing and Healing
The next morning I did the only thing I know to do in traumatic situations: I found pen and paper and began to write. Since I didn’t recall any specific previous trauma, the formula advocated by Dr. Pennebaker didn’t seem to fit. Instead, I began to freewrite, a process that lets us peer into the dark and make sense of the unseen and unseeable. I wrote about scary things in the dark, memories of the dark. I wrote about forces, and catastrophes, and darkness in general. I asked myself power questions like “What does darkness mean to me?” and “What’s the connection between darkness and evil?” I came back to this project for two more days. I wrote until there was nothing more to write.
Naming my terror and describing it in vivid detail was calming. From the safety of the page, I could revisit the howling wind. I could feel its power and magnificence as well as the threat it poses. I could appreciate the eerie beauty of the milky mist apart from its possibly dreadful implications. I could remember comforting chants like “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil …”.
Ultimately I came to view my foray into the night as a great adventure. I’m not exactly eager to repeat this challenge, but should it arise again, I’m better prepared to open up and absorb the power rather than fleeing from it. I guess you could say I wrote myself free.
If you like this post, you may also be interested in:
Writing and Healing: Staying Safe in a Room Full of Elephants
Writing and Healing: Writing is Good for Your Health, Three Tips for Memoir Writers and Journalers
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