Post #6 – Women’s Memoirs, Writing Prompts – Kendra Bonnett and Matilda Butler
I’m always pleased when we get to introduce our readers to a new story. Personally, I think it’s doubly fun when that story also represents an author’s first book. Such is the case with Alyse Myers and her new memoir Who Do You Think You Are? In many ways, this is not an easy book to read because the story is a tough one. Sadly it’s also not an uncommon story, as Alyse has discovered through subsequent conversations with other women who grew up amidst unhappiness, cruelty and, perhaps most difficult of all, uncertainty.
I think you’ll find Who Do You Think You Are? a compelling read. If you are working on a particularly difficult writing project of your own, you’ll find Alyse to be a good teacher. She shows how to handle the personal and messy with taste and insight, even inspiration.
So please join me in welcoming Alyse Myers to Women’s Memoirs. Read her guest blog below. Then take some time to write a Comment. Actually, write a question for Alyse because this is your opportunity to interview a published author. Matilda and I will collect your comments and use them as part of an interview with the author…coming up on July 16th (details below). We’ll even name you when we ask the question in your behalf.
Finally, because we have so many aspiring writers on this site, Alyse has provided a writing prompt. We don’t want you just hanging around here reading what others have done. We want you practicing your craft. So please read the blog, post a Comment, then get to writing. And then join us on July 16 live for an interview with Alyse Myers.
Date/Time: July 16, 2009/8 p.m. EDT (5 p.m. Pacific)
Phone Number: 712-432-0600 (access code: 998458#)
I’m always asked why I wrote this book—and why now.
When I was nine years old, my father gave me a red diary (and if you’ve read my book you’ll understand the significance of that diary). He told me that whenever I was unhappy, to “write it down.” From that, I found that writing was an escape—especially when I was too young to actually go anywhere. Writing in my diary gave me pleasure that I wasn’t getting in my real life. Much of my unhappiness came from my relationship with my mother—a relationship that in so many ways defined who I am today.
I always wanted to be a writer—and I started writing my book in my head when I was 16 years old. I would file away chapters in some part of my brain, knowing that one day I would put those thoughts on paper. I wanted to write about things I had never told anyone. Things I had never shared before. Not with my husband. Or my daughter. Or my closest friends. I knew that one day I would be ready to tell my story.
Well, that day came a few years ago. I was ready. I decided: if not now, when?
But I didn’t know how to begin. So I took a class. In memoir writing. And it changed my life.
The first assignment was to write about a day that caused pleasure or pain. I knew that no one would want to read about pleasure. So I thought about pain—and the first thing that came to mind was going to my father’s funeral with my mother when I was 11 years old. One of the loneliest days of my life, and a day I realized I hadn’t thought about until I was given that assignment.
I used the next assignment as an opportunity to write about another event in my childhood. And then another. By the end of that class, I had five short stories—two pages each. They became the basis for my memoir. In fact, all of those stories found their way into my book.
In my memoir, Who Do You Think You Are? I admit I didn’t like my mother or love her. In fact, that’s how I began my book.
I happen to be a very private person—despite the fact that I wrote a memoir, and quite a revealing one at that. For some reason, I’ve always been able to separate the unhappy child growing up in a housing project in Queens, N.Y., from the person I am now. Call me crazy, or perhaps a great compartmentalizer, but I always saw my past as just that: the past.
Writing this book allowed me not only to tell my story, but my readers have told me it gave them permission to tell their own stories. To admit that they too didn’t have a good relationship with their mothers. So many of my readers told me this was something they never felt they could admit to anyone—including themselves. Until now.
I also heard from people who had good relationships with their mothers. And they told me my book made them appreciate their mothers even more. And that meant so much to me.
I hope my story will encourage you to tell yours. To “write it down.” And when you do, I’d love to read it.
WRITING PROMPT
This is the assignment that started it all for me, so I’ll give it to you:
Write about a day that caused pleasure or pain. Your story should be two pages, double-spaced. No more. Writing short vs. writing long is harder than you think, as you’ll see. But this exercise will help you edit out the things that don’t really have anything to do with your story. And it will force you to focus on what’s really important—to only tell what really matters.
The first line is key. Think about how best to draw in your reader so that she wants to go to the next sentence and then the next. Only write about one thing, one event. You only have two pages!
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Alyse, Your comment about being a very private person that just happens to be writing a most revealing memoir interests me. I think it sort of defines my own dilemma. I’m trying to write my own story. Any advice on how you became comfortable with what you had to do? Is it possible that you saw the importance of your message and that helped you get more public with your message. I am looking forward to hearing what you have to say. Thank you. Jane
Alyse, I am sorry to have to miss the July 16 interview. Your title is very compelling for me. Even today, at 52 years old, I can’t read the words, “Who do you think you are?” without hearing my mother’s critical voice inflection. To be constantly criticized and belittled – often simply for having my own unique thoughts – made for a confusing and lonely childhood. Actually, it’s no wonder folks like you and I are reluctant to share our memories…we learned very early that sharing who we really were would bring only pain and shame. I hope to read your book. I hope even more that I will one day have the courage to “write my life.”
Your book arouses interest to look into my own. I plan to read your book as soon as I finish the one I have now. I am working on my memoir starting with my resentment and hatred of my father but by the end, the vapor of hatred slowly vanishes into oblivion. Does your writing give you any kind of healing?
Just that little “window” into your relationship with your mom ’causes me to well up with emotions of deep sadness about the feelings I had toward my own mother. It seemed that it would be so nice to have a mother I felt proud of and loved, and that these feelings were reciprocal. Instead, we “put up” with one another with no real appreciation. Sad!
I am working on my memoir and finding that I have a hard time organizing the individual vignettes that I also have written in classes. Since you started with brief vignettes, I wonder if you would share how you finally decided on the flow of the book. Thanks, I’ll listen in on the class on July 16. Jamie.
PS Thanks for writing about your difficult relationship with your mother. It frees others of us to tell it like it really was.
Hi Alyse: I just finished reading your important memoir. I will recommend it to all my friends. I think it will open a new level of dialogue among us. My question is about editing a book. I’m almost through writing my memoir. Do you think I need an outside editor? I realize you don’t know the quality of my writing. I can say that I submitted one of my chapters to a writers’ contest a few months ago and won first prize. My question relates to the importance and value of using a professional editor before I seek publication. I’d appreciate your insight as well as any relevant experiences. -Sara-
I have two older sisters. I was the youngest (by many years) and not planned. Actually, my parents were contemplating divorce when my mother found out she was pregnant with me. The mother I knew was quite different from the mother my siblings knew. I have been working on my memoir and hesitate to show what I have written to my sisters as I know they will disagree with what I say.
In your memoir, you do mention your two younger sisters. At what point did you tell them you were writing a mother-daughter memoir? To what extent did you feel you needed their approval?
Obviously, I am asking because my siblings don’t agree with my perceptions of mother. I’ve love some advice on how much to show them and how much their voice needs to be in my memoir.
Thanks. I’ll be listening in.
Alyse: Reading your guest blog and reading the other comments brings such a strong sense of sadness to me and heaviness in my heart. I too had a difficult relationship with my mother. The most positive thing I can say is that she was crazy. At least that is my way of explaining the terrible things she did.
Here’s my question. I feel such strong emotions, even now. Of course, there are factual stories about my childhood. I wonder if you could help me understand how to balance the telling of my emotions with the telling of the facts.
Thanks. I’ll be listening in on Thursday. I am working on my memoir right now and so your advice and suggestions will be timely.