Post #32 – Women’s Memoirs, Writing Prompt – Kendra Bonnett and Matilda Butler
Susan Parker
In preparation for posting this guest blog, I just finished reading Susan Parker’s memoir Walking in the Deep End. I won’t say it’s the happiest or most inspirational book I’ve ever read. It isn’t. But it’s well written and remarkably honest. It’s also a satisfying book that encourages the reader to prevail. In the span of some 352 pages, I couldn’t help but come to know Susan and her family quite intimately. I know her secrets, and that’s okay with her.
In the guest blog that follows, Susan encourages aspiring writers to be completely honest and put their secrets down in black and white…exposed, where they can do the most good as catharsis for the author and lessons for readers. Life is often not easy. We are forced to seek strange mechanisms for coping, and sometimes we can’t get past the trauma…the crap. The best hope we have for surviving is by being completely, openly and brutally honest about what has happened (to ourselves as well as those around us) and how we feel. This, I believe, is Susan’s message.
In the post and writing prompt below, she encourages writers to practice complete honesty. She knows from her own experience–it took six years to write Walking in the Deep End–that exposing one’s secrets to the purifying rays of sunlight is hard work. She assures us, however, that the results are worth the struggle. And Susan is living proof. She’s here today, having survived family secrets, evangelical religion, bulimia, the strain of suicide, divorce and homosexuality. She has broken free.
Matilda and I look forward to having you join us for our call with Susan. You are invited to listen in by phone on Friday or wait for us to post the recording next Monday. Susan’s book has been called inspiring and helpful; it’s also well crafted. There is plenty in this book for the reader as well as the writer.
I hope you’ll use the Comment form below to leave a question or thought for Susan. We’ll incorporate your questions into our interview. Here are the details for getting on the Friday call:
Date/Time: Friday, February 12, 2010, 2:00 PM EST (11:00 AM Pacific)
Phone Number: 712-432-0600 (access code: 998458#)
You can learn more about Walking In the Deep End by visiting Susan Parker’s website and blog. And now, Susan shares her story with our Women’s Memoirs readers:
Silence Your Inner Editor And Write For Yourself
by Susan Parker
I didn’t experience post partum depression after the delivery of either of my children, but boy, did I ever after the birth of my memoir, Walking in the Deep End!
The “baby” arrived, and I thought, now what? How will I provide for her? What do I even do with her?
By the way, this kid had a 6 YEAR gestational period, so she came out talking! Secrets?
“Forget about it,” she said, “I’ll show you!”
When I started writing this book, I was 42, recently divorced and coming to terms with my past as I tried to chart my future. I was convinced that the shame I’d felt as a result of my experiences was no longer useful and never had been. By then, I’d also been convinced of the power of story. I loved the way stories brought people together and demonstrated just how much we have in common, even though our experiences are different.
Through the years, I learned that when I found the courage to share even my darkest experiences, it somehow gave others permission to be more open about theirs. Could my memoir do the same? After all, if even one reader was somehow helped, wasn’t that success? And if my story could help shed light on issues like depression, suicide, eating disorders, religious hypocrisy, and homosexuality, wasn’t it worth the risk to bare my soul?
Maybe.
My childhood was complicated. Adventurous or care-free moments were often followed by fear, worry and confusion. My family was loving, but like all families, we had issues. In the 1960’s and 70’s, people didn’t talk about those issues much. Explanations that might have eased some of my fears were replaced with whispers and pretense. Secrets.
We often went to church, but sometimes I wondered if going there was just one more way not to talk about what was happening.
Of course, the challenge we memoirists face is in showing our stories in ways that tap into the universal, while avoiding the pitfalls of self-pity or sappiness. For me, this felt especially challenging because my story delved into a number of “shameful” or controversial topics. I didn’t want to preach—okay, that’s not entirely true, sometimes I DID want to preach, but ultimately I knew it wasn’t effective to do so.
I wanted to strike a balance that demonstrated the layers of life—the way you can find moments of joy and happiness even amidst the worst of circumstances. I wanted to show both the desperation and the humor in my journey, while doing my best to respect those whose lives intersected with mine.
Not everyone would like what my new-born book had to say, but I at least wanted to feel as though almost any reader would note the quality of the writing. So with that in mind, I spent a great deal of time learning more about the craft of writing. I enrolled in writing classes at Rice University, and in workshops at InPrint, led by accomplished local authors, including faculty from the University of Houston’s Creative Writing Program and online courses at The Gotham Writer’s Workshop. I met many wonderful writers and teachers, gobbling up all the pre-natal nourishment I could find. Then I sought the advice and counsel of publishers, publicists and agents at writing workshops. I met my mentor and editor, Peggy Lang, in California, at The La Jolla Writer’s Conference. Peggy helped me through the long process, challenging me to show not tell as I shouted down the editor in my head that told me I wasn’t up for the task.
How many of you have a similar editor working overtime in your brain? You know him—he’s the one who tells you that your writing is crummy, boring or depressing? The one that urges you to quit. The one who says you can’t do it, or tells you that if you are honest, everyone will know what a terrible human you truly are. “Who do you think you are?” He taunts.
It’s been a few months now and I’m over my post-partum depression. Why? Well, for sure, my publicist is a big help–kind of like a nanny who knows how to help me care for my baby. But the depression has lifted because readers and reviewers are saying the book has inspired or captivated them. I’ve received letters and calls filled with thanks and comments about the courage readers are finding to examine and then move beyond the not-so-nice aspects of their own journeys. Some just thank me for describing their feelings and doubts. They know I can’t solve their problems, but somehow reading about what I’ve overcome gives them hope. I’ve talked to young women with eating disorders; men whose fathers have committed suicide; teens who feel lonely and rejected because they’re gay. Humans, like me, just trying to figure it out and do the best they can to survive and thrive.
Writing Prompt
For me, memoir has to be about honesty. It’s messy and scary, but powerful only if candid. That’s because we can only connect with others if we’re real. And connect with our readers we must, if we are to have any success at all.
So go for it. Tell that editor in your head to take a hike. You don’t need him right now. You need something real–something that’s truly a part of you. Something honest and compelling that will connect you to the human experience. The Universal.
Think of an event that reveals something really personal—something that makes you uncomfortable and yet oh-so-human. Think about how you’ve struggled and overcome. Or how you failed. Then write as if no one will ever see it. Give it a try. Write a vignette—a brief story—as if you were writing for a secret book to be stored in your attic.
Do it and don’t ever forget that being vulnerable doesn’t mean being weak. It just means you’re willing to show your humanity and that you recognize that we’re all in this together.
Secrets? Baby, forget about it!
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