Post #35 – Women’s Memoirs, Writing Prompt – Kendra Bonnett and Matilda Butler
“Even before birth, we’re a part of other people’s stories. It’s said that we enter the world in the middle of our family’s story and become one of the main characters in its drama, immediately woven into the tapestry of family, friends, and community. On our path through life, as in fairy tale, we encounter wizards, witches, dark forests, and good fairies; we experience joys and challenges, heartaches and hope. Through struggles, failures, and successes, we discover the unique story that is ours alone. We find out who we are and where we are going.”
That’s the opening paragraph of 
Linda Joy Myers new book, The Power of Memoir–How to Write Your Healing Story. And, frankly, if you read that paragraph carefully–and commit it to memory–you’ll fully understand the power of memoir. No, not the book…you’ll still need to read The Power of Memoir to learn Linda Joy’s “Eight Steps to Writing a Healing Memoir.” But that first paragraph sums up the unique journey (the good, the bad and the ugly) that is ours alone and how it fits into the context of the generations that comprise our families.
Linda Joy is the perfect person to teach us how to heal through memoir. As a therapist, she’s spent 30 years using memoir as an instrument in her healing tool chest. She is also a memoirist herself. Don’t Call Me Mother: Breaking the Chain of Mother Daughter Abandonment won the Gold Medal Award from the Bay Area Independent Publishing Association. In fact, Linda Joy is a versatile writer; she’s published both poetry and nonfiction in various literary journals.
Women’s Memoirs invited Linda Joy to post a guest blog on the occasion of the release of The Power of Memoir. In the book, she takes you through understanding, research, planning, psychology, organizing and more. With us, she examines the concept of writing from the inside out and how we get to the core, where our stories begin.
We invite your questions in the Comment form below
And now, before we turn this post over to Linda Joy Myers, we invite you to join us on Friday when we interview Linda Joy for our Author Conversations series. But first, we need your help. Tell us what you want to know. Use the Comment form below this post to leave a question for Linda Joy. We’ll incorporate your questions into our conversation. Here are the details for getting on the Friday call:
Date/Time: Friday, March 5, 2010, 6:00 PM EST (3:00 PM Pacific)
Phone Number: 712-432-0600 (access code: 998458#)
Linda Joy Myers is the president and founder of the National Association of Memoir Writers. You can find out more about The Power of Memoir on her website. She blogs at LindaJoyMyersPhD.
Writing from the Inside Out—Open Your Mind and Change Your Life
by Linda Joy Myers, Ph.D.
Writing a memoir is a profound physical experience! Many people don’t think of it that way, but it has been shown that our memories reside in our body, and when we tune into the body-mind and write from a place of openness, we can free ourselves from past traumas and open ourselves to a new future. Parts of our brain are involved in how we hold memory and emotion and process traumatic events. If you have had upsetting or traumatic experiences, you know about intrusive memories or flashbacks. Research has shown that writing engages these stuck parts of the brain and helps to create new neural pathways that free us from the past. But we don’t have to be stuck in the darkness in order to write—writing from happy memories creates changes in the brain too, enriching the fullness of our joy and sense of well-being as we bring forward in scene the full colors and sensual detail of our lives.
To create this kind of transformation means that we must be willing to engage in the journey of memoir from the inside out. When we write from the inside out, we have a “Beginner’s Mind.” We enter the journey with some idea of what we would like to write about, and allow the process of writing to guide us. Dr. James Pennebaker, the premier researcher in the area of writing as healing, says, “Story is a way of knowledge.” In other words, let the story tell you where it wants to go; allow the process of writing to lead you into the heart of your memoir.
As we begin, we ask these questions:
- What do I want to say?
- What memories keep coming back to me?
- How do I feel about what happened in my life?
- What significant events changed my life?
- Who was important during my life’s journey?
- When and where am I in time as I muse about my life?
The questions who, what, when, where, and how appear as a mode of investigation into the heart of who you are, into the layers of what your story might be. We write to discover our story, we write to find out what we don’t know.
In my new book The Power of Memoir—How to Write Your Healing Story, I talk about the journey of memoir writing from your early ideas and motivations all the way to publication. I know from personal experience how memoirists struggle with the inner critic and writing the dark stories, and I offer tips about how to overcome these obstacles. In other chapters, I present the research about how writing helps to heal both body and soul, and discuss the psychology of memoir writing.
I suggest that writers begin to unravel the complexities of their story through discovering their turning points. Think about the moments when your life changed and your journey took a whole new turn—these are moments of powerful emotion and depths of feeling. It’s important to enter and embody them through scene and detail. When you place yourself in the body of who you were, you write in an integrative way, using the wisdom of the narrator—who you are now, along with the person you were then—your younger, more innocent self. This back and forth weaving creates integration and changes your brain. It can change your life.
Memoir Writing Prompt
So how to create this amazing pathway toward your new and better self? First, listen to your body. Listen to the whispers of story, image, dream, and memory that waft up in the small moments of the day, when you are gardening, petting your cat, eating a delicious meal, laughing with friends. Spend time with the photo album. Perhaps you would like to paint or sing fragments of memory, your favorite moments. There might be times of grief and loss that you discover you need to process again. It’s important not to suppress or repress these invitations, to listen to the subtle clues arising from your unconscious mind. They will lead you to greater levels of creativity and freedom.
Some tips to help you begin your healing journey:
- Listen to the wisdom of your body and the subtle cues from your dreams and unconscious.
- Work with photos, art, and poetry to help you develop your sensual details and metaphors.
- Be sure to weave the “lighter” stories in with the “dark” stories from your past. Keep your emotional balance.
- Honor the process of writing. Think of it as venturing into the unknown, and get more comfortable with that.
- Learn how writing in scene and using the dramatic arc of plot can help change what you thought was your story.
- Have a “Beginner’s Mind” when entering your stories. Be willing to let your stories guide you.
- Read the amazing research on how writing changes the brain and helps to create a better future.
- Listen to the whispers of wisdom arising from your body and from all the stages of your life. This can lead you into greater freedom and happiness.
To start writing your own healing story, study a favorite family photograph, and write a brief vignette using sensual details of sight, sound, scent, and texture. Imagine the emotions of the people in the photo and write from their point of view. For a second writing exercise, juxtapose a serious story (dark) with a funny or happy (light) story; discover the power of the emotional balance you create.
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Thank you for considering our questions. In writing my life story since 2001, I’ve struggled deeply with a few things: embarrassment and possible consequences. My story involves more dark issues than light. It exposes my mother to the fullest extent, in addition to myself. From the time I adopted one of my brothers and the birth of my first child, my desire to write about my life has consumed me. There is so much I want to tell the world! But with so many secrets being revealed (some I’ve never shared with anyone), how does a memoirist overcome embarrassment, and any possible consequences from the people their revealing?
Oh how I wish you’d written this book years ago and I’d had it as a guide while writing my memoir. You have done a great service by putting this into a book, Linda Joy, because the power of the healing that can happen is enormous. Thank you.
Karen
Most memoirists struggle with the issue of revealing secrets when they are searching how to tell their own powerful, and often shameful, truths.Secrets maintain a great power over us, and we are diminished by them. We become co-conspirators to the family dynamics that we actually don’t agree with and want to break away from. So we get caught in a conflict—to speak or not to speak. To remain closed and complicit, or open up and take the risk of losing friends and family, of being ousted from the family, or shamed once again into submission.
I tell all my students to be open to writing two versions of the story: first, write for yourself, to clear out your emotional closet, to sort the events that are jumbled up in your mind. Research has shown that this kind of writing is powerful and creates changes in the brain—in other words: it’s healing.
Write your whole first draft in silence, in secret, so that you can finally hear your own voice. Don’t tell anyone you are writing it, and only share it with your supportive writing group or your therapist. Watch out even for sharing with friends, because sometimes they can misunderstand what you are doing. Do not think about publication, as it is waaay to soon for that.
When you have finished, and you know your unvarnished and unedited story, then you can decide what you want to do with it. You might not want to share it with anyone. Or you might decide to rewrite it so that it can face the world, and so can you.
Then it would be time to think of the steps of writing that make a fully shaped and formed memoir, and thus become publishable. I do recommend that you write your first draft using scenes, and not just narration. When you embody the person you were, and write through her point of view and body, you create the best opportunity to transform and to heal.
Best of luck getting those stories out of you!
Let me know how it goes.
Karen,
Thank you so much for your comments. I know what a struggle it was for you to write your memoir, and how hard you worked to do it, not only to write, but to face yourself and all the things you had struggled with in your life. I am hoping that my guide to writing a deep and meaningful work will help others to find their way. I had to find mine the hard way too, so that is why I wrote this book: create a path that others might follow to make the task easier. Everyone who has written a memoir knows how challenging it is, even if it is not about dark secrets. But if you think about it, those are the stories that fascinate us because we are all looking for guidance from others on the pathway of life–how did they solve life’s problems, and how are they doing now? Your book shows us both the pain and joy that you discovered, and thank you for writing it.
This is such a “powerful” book. I read your first book twice and I can see that happening again. Once to get into the meat of the books and a second time to delve into the advice, suggestions and information that will help me with my particular book project.
So many healing memoirs are written about things that happened to the writer in their childhood. My book has to do with things I did, and am ashamed of, as an adult. It’s a hard climb. And I feel sometimes that instead of a book coach, I need a therapist to get me through writing this memoir.
Linda Joy is a gem for writers of memoir and hope one day she can be my writing coach/mentor
Hi Renee,
Yes, the issue of shame and guilt often come up in my workshops, but the good news is: writing really does help to clear it up, or reduce it, or put it into perspective. Writing can help you sort it out further, and I agree it helps to be with a coach or in a group where you are witnessed with compassion for what and who you were back then. I work with people every week in my workshops, and they have climbed out of the shame and guilt pit a lot in a year of our work together. I say that to give you hope and assurance that the process of writing and also being witnessed really works to help heal the past. I’d love to talk with you more about this if you like. In the meantime, do go slowly with it, as it’s easy to get overwhelmed. A dark story, then a lighter one is the way to balance things for yourself. Best of luck with what you are doing.
I have been writing memoir vignettes for the past three years. I now want to bring them together into a cohesive memoir. My problem is that I don’t know how to begin to organize these pieces. HELP. Chronological organization is so boring. What suggestions do you have for how I can get started?
Thanks. I’ll listen in on Friday.
Hi! I wonder if you could talk about what you see as the distinction between personal essay and memoir (besides length, of course). Some memoirs seem to be a collection of essays, like Stop-Time by Frank Conroy and Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott. Conroy’s memoir could be read like a book of essays, in any order, and for the most part would still make sense. Lamott writes a 50 page run-down of important events in her life, and this gives the background for the essays that follow, allowing her to jump around in time and mention things in passing that we already know about. What do you see (if any) as the distinction between essay and memoir?
I look forward to talking about these topics on the phone interview. The question about structure is one that many memoirists ask, and I will address it on the phone. I also have a whole chapter in my book that talks about structure and what to do with the vignettes you create.
The personal essay/memoir question is a good one. There are different definitions but I will talk about how I see them based on other discussions with professionals who bat around the same question.
Linda Joy, Thanks for the thoughtful blog. I’d like to take my question for you in a slightly different direction from the healing issue (specifically). Matilda and Kendra have been writing a lot about platforms, and I’m just beginning to wake up to how important they may be. I wonder, do you feel platform is important these days? And if so, would you speak about your own platform and how it helps you sell your book? Thanks. Looking forward to the Monday recording.
I’m starting to think about the marketing that will be needed to sell my memoir. I’m finished with the first draft and as I begin the editing process, I want to begin my marketing. What are some of the outlets, tools, resources and other sites that you are finding helpful? If you had to name just one thing, what is the most important thing in book marketing? Thank you Linda Joy. I’m sure any advice will be helpful. Im such a newbie.
Hi Linda- I’m a member of National Association of Memior Writers (NAMW) and have enrolled in several workshops which have provided me with terrific learning. Thank you! Question: Audio books is an increasing trend in today’s techy-world and Low -vision/blindness is an increasing issue as boomers age. Have you considered recording your books on CD’s? “Your” audio voice would make your teachings even more powerful. Also, have you considered donating copies to low-vision organizations who may record them for you? Please contact me if you’re interested ckomlo@msn.com.
Linda Joy,
I am interested in your thoughts on maintaining interest and momentum in the process of writing a memoir as it sometimes feels exhausting and overwhelming…as the “good,bad and ugly” memories are unearthed.
Looking forward to “meeting” with you again on the tour!
Kathy Pooler
http://krpooler.wordpress.com
Hi Linda Joy: Welcome to Women’s Memoirs. We’re delighted to have your guest blog and we’re looking forward to tomorrow’s interview.
As you know, one of my interests is in openings — openings to vignettes, openings to memoirs, openings to presentations, and even openings to non-fiction books such as your new book.
I hope you’ll discuss with our listeners what you have learned about writing effective openings to memoirs.
Matilda
I agree that after you have worked on the first draft of your book, it’s time to think of marketing and platform. I know that some think we should perhaps think of that first, but my experience with students who go there too soon, is that they lose the center of where a memoir needs to come from–the heart, within that protected personal space that is so different from the public arena of marketing. One of my students was so focused on what her agent wanted, and her marketing plan that she didn’t finish her memoir! She’d lost that inner connection and had become focused so much on the outer world and its expectations of her.
However, in later drafts, we do begin to turn our attention to the audience, now that we know what our voice is and what we have to say. Just as in any “product” for the larger world, we need to take into account the audience, the tools and resources that we have to help get the word out.
The platform that was the key to getting published by a larger press based in New York was my organization, The National Association of Memoir Writers. Having started it on my own, without having had a business background, showed both the agent and editor that I was passionate about memoir writing and willing to strike out beyond my comfort zone to create it. My agent says that she looks for people who are “bigger than their book,” meaning that they are doing a whole lot of other meaningful things in life besides writing a memoir.
So keep in mind that organizations as well as blogs and social networking can be part of your platform. After all, platform means something you can stand on that can support you, as you can support others with your passion and message.
Reading your blog reminds me of an author i know. Angelica Harris is a domestic abuse survivor who has healed many of her own life’s struggles through writing. Check out her website and books because the two of you might be able to work together. http://www.angelicaharris.com
Thank you for all you do!